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October 09, 2012

max



dear max,
this is what the sky looked like the day we met.
this is what the sky looked like the moment you died.
i'm not great with words.
i'm a list maker, a fumbling lyricist on a good day.
(so bare with me)
your father (he was mine too) really loved you.
carson was honored to meet you.
you were fond of the color red.
the last song you heard was "diamonds and gold" by tom waits.
you really reminded me of grandpa.
the wires on your head looked like a crown at certain angles.
you really were a king.
you really are king of the wild beasts, just like the book says.
your siblings and i had pizza together in the city, after you left.
we talked about you and the joy you brought.
thank you for your time in our lives.
thank you.
thank. you.
'til we meet again, little one.
love always,
stephanie

i went back and forth about sharing this part of my life on the "internet". this may come down, i'm not sure. the more people i tell about it, the more they want to hear.
"you should write a story about this."

i decided, an inspiring life, a story such as this, deserves to be shared.

my father and his fiancé had a little baby boy a couple of weeks ago and he was born with something called edwards disease. you can read about that here.

carson and i got to meet him on sunday and got to say goodbye, he passed away shortly after we took him outside for the first time, to see the fall colors and feel the sun on his face.

there is of course, way more to this story. family dynamics and feelings and questions and what if's. things i will keep private. it's better for you, the dear reader and my family.

i'm not a mother and i am not sure if i will be one. for anyone who has lost a little baby, i honor your courage. for families who have to spend hours, months, years in hospitals and have members with special needs, you are kings and queens.

i have learned through max to be kind to everyone i meet, i do not know their story, i do not know their pain or their joy. he taught me to let the details that fill me with hope, build me up and the ones that take up growth, wash away.

he taught me to be in the moment and cherish it (whatever that moment may be). 

i learned i love my family dearly. and carson is... he's the real deal.

i do have photographs of maximus and hopefully one day, with my father's permission, i will share them. it's too raw at the moment.

so goodnight, thank you for reading. and goodnight max.

“And now," cried Max, "let the wild rumpus start!” 

13 comments:

  1. so, so heartbreaking. but you've made it all the more beautiful for sharing and for putting it into such a tender, eloquent memoriam.

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    1. thank you, sarah for reading and for your words.

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  2. so very sad. such a short short time. and yet impacted many.

    "i do not know their story"
    this is one of the big lessons i've learnt too. we really really don't know, and can't assume a thing. knowing and applying this, makes us more compassionate.

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    1. thank you for being such a support, monica, truly.

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  3. wow. thank you for sharing this, it brought me to tears. as a mother, i cannot imagine the grief, the strength, the sorrow, the lessons. sending light.

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    1. thank you, sadie. hug your little one for me.

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  4. Oh my. I cannot imagine the sorrow this brings. So heartbreaking. Your family will be in my prayers.

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  5. You have a way with words, that was so touchingly, and beautifully put. My earnest good wishes for you and your family, my own grandparents lost a child as well, and I know from them that recovery does happen, so let that be your sticking rock. Thanks for stoping by my blog, so happy to have found yours that way.

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    1. thank you, michelle. such a good reminder time does heal.

      your art inspires me!

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  6. I have long thought about what I could write to you here. I cannot decide on the right words. But I want to send you some.

    I wish you and your family the strength and love to be able to cope with the grief and the loss of Max and to remember not only his death but him. As you wrote, he was there and he gave you all something. Although he stayed only such a short short time.
    I admire what you wrote.

    Send you hugs and love and strength.
    Take care.

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  7. he reminded me a lot of grandpa too. i love you big sister. i'm am so thankful for you every day, and get my strength from you.

    keep sharing. it's all beautiful, as are you.

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