October 09, 2012
this is what the sky looked like the day we met.
this is what the sky looked like the moment you died.
i'm not great with words.
i'm a list maker, a fumbling lyricist on a good day.
(so bare with me)
your father (he was mine too) really loved you.
carson was honored to meet you.
you were fond of the color red.
the last song you heard was "diamonds and gold" by tom waits.
you really reminded me of grandpa.
the wires on your head looked like a crown at certain angles.
you really were a king.
you really are king of the wild beasts, just like the book says.
your siblings and i had pizza together in the city, after you left.
we talked about you and the joy you brought.
thank you for your time in our lives.
'til we meet again, little one.
i went back and forth about sharing this part of my life on the "internet". this may come down, i'm not sure. the more people i tell about it, the more they want to hear.
"you should write a story about this."
i decided, an inspiring life, a story such as this, deserves to be shared.
my father and his fiancé had a little baby boy a couple of weeks ago and he was born with something called edwards disease. you can read about that here.
carson and i got to meet him on sunday and got to say goodbye, he passed away shortly after we took him outside for the first time, to see the fall colors and feel the sun on his face.
there is of course, way more to this story. family dynamics and feelings and questions and what if's. things i will keep private. it's better for you, the dear reader and my family.
i'm not a mother and i am not sure if i will be one. for anyone who has lost a little baby, i honor your courage. for families who have to spend hours, months, years in hospitals and have members with special needs, you are kings and queens.
i have learned through max to be kind to everyone i meet, i do not know their story, i do not know their pain or their joy. he taught me to let the details that fill me with hope, build me up and the ones that take up growth, wash away.
he taught me to be in the moment and cherish it (whatever that moment may be).
i learned i love my family dearly. and carson is... he's the real deal.
i do have photographs of maximus and hopefully one day, with my father's permission, i will share them. it's too raw at the moment.
so goodnight, thank you for reading. and goodnight max.
“And now," cried Max, "let the wild rumpus start!”